New Year's Resolutions

Here's my list of resolutions:
To fight for peace, to stop pollution,
To lose two stone and give up on drinking,
When I see pretty girls- to hold back from winking,
To give up smoking- at last kick the habit,
To see opportunity and learn how to grab it.
Make sure I do a great deal more exercise
And still find the time to rest both my eyes
From the extra books that I will be reading
Whilst I'm out in the garden doing my weeding.
I'll paint my house from the top to the middle,
I'll learn the flute, the guitar and the fiddle.
I'll spread the word we should love one another
Remembering as well, to not wind-up my brother.
I'll split the dang atom, I'll walk on the moon,
I'll make a big effort to tidy my room.
I'll keep my lawn tidy with nothing but tweezers,
I'll fly up to Iceland and swim in hot geysers.
I'll eat soup with chopsticks, I'll write a bestseller-
A satirical thriller about David Mellor.
I'll be on TV before watershed
And not give two hoots ‘bout the swearwords I've said.
I'll feed all the needy, the sick will be healed.
I'll start making crop circles with rope in a field.
I'll learn four new languages including some French,
Play footy for England (well, I'll be on the bench).
I'll start making sculptures out of blue cheese,
I'll join demonstrations about top-up fees.
To eat lots more takeaways like Indian curry.
To once and for all learn how to say sorry.
To admit when I'm wrong- would it be such a crime?
Even though I'm obviously right all the time.
To break free of arrogance learn some humility
But to prove all those wrong who doubt my ability.
To strive to become the best person I can
And carry on learning just who I am.
All these decisions of which I have spoken
Will definitely happen, and never be broken

Oh hang on a second, what was I thinking?
Not a chance in the world that I'll give up on drinking.