New Year's Resolutions

Here's my list of resolutions:
To fight for peace, to stop pollution,
To lose two stone and give up on drinking,
When I see pretty girls- to hold back from winking,
To give up smoking- at last kick the habit,
To see opportunity and learn how to grab it.
Make sure I do a great deal more exercise
And still find the time to rest both my eyes
From the extra books that I will be reading
Whilst I'm out in the garden doing my weeding.
I'll paint my house from the top to the middle,
I'll learn the flute, the guitar and the fiddle.
I'll spread the word we should love one another
Remembering as well, to not wind-up my brother.
I'll split the dang atom, I'll walk on the moon,
I'll make a big effort to tidy my room.
I'll keep my lawn tidy with nothing but tweezers,
I'll fly up to Iceland and swim in hot geysers.
I'll eat soup with chopsticks, I'll write a bestseller-
A satirical thriller about David Mellor.
I'll be on TV before watershed
And not give two hoots ‘bout the swearwords I've said.
I'll feed all the needy, the sick will be healed.
I'll start making crop circles with rope in a field.
I'll learn four new languages including some French,
Play footy for England (well, I'll be on the bench).
I'll start making sculptures out of blue cheese,
I'll join demonstrations about top-up fees.
To eat lots more takeaways like Indian curry.
To once and for all learn how to say sorry.
To admit when I'm wrong- would it be such a crime?
Even though I'm obviously right all the time.
To break free of arrogance learn some humility
But to prove all those wrong who doubt my ability.
To strive to become the best person I can
And carry on learning just who I am.
All these decisions of which I have spoken
Will definitely happen, and never be broken

Oh hang on a second, what was I thinking?
Not a chance in the world that I'll give up on drinking.

A Pocket History

My jacket tells a story, a lifetime's lucky dip.
From deep within my pocket down memory lane I slip,
Pulling out the things I've done from many days since gone.
A bar receipt, a ticket stub, a raffle never won -
Little triggers that mean nothing to anyone but me.
A single wrapper from a sweet: a million memories.
Every piece of jetsam found a little mystery
And me the key for opening their secret histories.
The times we laughed, picnics in parks, encounters in the street,
My pocket world that does unfold with every creased receipt.

Two thumbs and a head of space

Two thumbs and a head of space
Is what defines the human race.
Just the distance between our ears
Our hopes, our dreams, our love and fears.
All of our invention and best laid plans
Put into action by our hands.
The things we think, then make and do
And nothing more is me and you.
So think with freedom, act with grace
And help to shape the human race.

Scottish Independence

Will it be yes or will it be no
I must confess I do not know
But if the Scottish answer yes
And the knot is loosed as polls suggest
I cannot help but feel full glum
By the Untied Kingdom we become.

Stop

There's a species that's dying that we never mention
And I think that it's time we gave it attention.
These past few years its numbers have dropped
And it seems its extinction cannot be stopped,
Literally speaking, for what I address
Is the dwindling number of STOP buttons to press.
That simple square, that precious stop
Is surplus to requirements and is for the chop.

I noticed it first with those MP3s,
Then video streaming saw the spread of the disease,
Somehow, somewhere behind-the-scenes,
Stop buttons are being removed from our screens
And our remotes, and for what cause?
What are we left with? I'll tell you what: Pause.
Well I say wrong! and I say no!
STOP should stay, STOP should not go.
It's true that might mean fewer buttons to press,
But to me that fewer feels a lot more like less.
To be left with no stop just a measly pause
Makes me feel empty for, whatever it's flaws,
A stop is full and a stop is complete.
It means: no more of this dad's army repeat!
I have other things I really must do.
I'm spent I'm done, I'm quite through with you.
A stop says I'm finished, I'm done for the day
I'm not coming back, nohow and no way.
What Pause has is claws, it wants you right back
It says: 'it's okay, go away. I'll cut you some slack.
Don't worry my friend no bridges are burned,
I'll be right here ready for when you return.'
Fantastic! Convenient! Quite right! you might say,
But Pause gets in your head and won't let you away.
Just as you break from Miss Taylor Swift
Your mind will turn over and 'fore long you drift
Back to the machine or the screen and press play.
Pause has you now, there's no getting away.
The future is gloomy my friends, the future is grim,
Stopping this rot looks increasingly slim.
So take just a moment, pause for thought
Please think of the joy your stop buttons brought.
And heed these final words that I say:
Stop pausing right now, start stopping today.

(By the way, as you might well expect,
I don't give a monkeys about the loss of Eject.)

I'm Auto Correct

I'm auto correct, I'm sort of correct.
I've a shirt on my back and a Thai round my neck.
I've a hound to return to, a woof over my head,
When I wake in the mortgage I rise from a bed.
But something is misting, it dozen make scents
When the worlds that I say are not wharf I meant.
I know what I'm satin in my mined I can see,
But there's an algorithm between you and me.
It thinks it nose beast what I want to say
But it purely obscures thins and gets in the wahey.
Unpredictably predictive it putts worms in my mouth,
When I want to say North it makes me say North.

So I'm turbine it off and making a stand.
Four ones I'll be cleared and you'll understand,
It won't stop me saying what's right and what's true:
That you're perfect to me and I dearly love YouTube.

[Please excuse hippos, written on a mobile device.]

Leave It For Next Year

I'm here to share a small epiph'ny:
I declare this day the start of LIFNY.
Leave It For Next Year - for what's the difny?
No one's about, it's nearly Chrifny
The work'll get done just as swiftny
Next year, so start right now, unwrap a giftny.
Drink some mulled wine, get slightly squifny.
Forget it all til two thousand fiftneey,
For next year will be here in a jiffny.
Take a break, have fun, enjoy your Chrifny
And from today just say you'll ‪#‎LIFNY‬.